Telephone Anxiety: For Many, It's Stress With a Familiar Ring

By Paul Rothbart

Alexander Graham Bell’s most famous invention revolutionized communication. The telephone provided the ability for instantaneous voice conversations between individuals who could be thousands of miles apart. Calling Grandma to say happy birthday, making a dentist appointment, planning a get-together with friends, and calling for help in an emergency could be easily done thanks to the evolution of the telephone.

What Bell certainly didn’t intend to create was a new type of anxiety to add to the list of the fears of neurotics everywhere. Nearly as old as the telephone itself, the poet Robert Graves wrote about his telephone anxiety in 1929. As the number of telephones grew, so too did the number of sufferers. You may not be aware of it, but fear of talking on the phone is real, and common, and can be a hindrance to many aspects of life. I tell you this with firsthand knowledge.

I have had telephone anxiety all of my life.

What Is Telephone Anxiety?

Anxiety is common. Many people experience discomfort or downright fear in many kinds of situations or activities. It may seem irrational that there should be anxiety over a telephone call because there is generally no immediate danger to either party during a phone chat. Nevertheless, an irrational fear is still very real to the person who suffers from it, and it is not easy to get over.

Telephone anxiety begins as soon as the sufferer realizes that a call must be made. Nausea is a frequent symptom and self-esteem takes a hit. When I can’t bring myself to make a call, I feel weak and foolish. How can I be afraid of doing something so simple that millions do every day.

Anxiety is tied into a number of mental health problems, and phone call fear is usually tied to social anxiety disorder. Discomfort in social situations, especially around strangers, is often suffered along with the telephone issues.

People who have this “phone phobia” -- telephone anxiety is not classified as a phobia -- are plagued with symptoms such as anxious thoughts, nervousness about how the call will go, and downright fear of angering the person on the other end of the line, being ridiculed, or failing to communicate effectively. Physical symptoms may also occur, such as dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, or tense muscles. These frequently start as soon one realizes the need to make a call. When a call comes in, anxiety symptoms begin immediately. It can make it nearly impossible to pick up the phone. The symptoms are usually short-lived and end once the plan to make a call is abandoned. If I manage to make the call, they disappear as soon as I begin talking. The anticipation tends to be much worse than the event itself.

Why Are People Afraid to Talk on the Phone?

People who have never experienced telephone anxiety often have trouble comprehending it. You’re not in the same location as the person you’re talking to, so what’s the big deal?

When talking on the phone, you are restricted to verbal communication. Yet facial expressions, body language, and other non-verbal cues are an important part of human interaction and have a huge impact on context even though you may not be conscious of them. For a person with telephone anxiety, not being able to see the person they are talking to can create many perceived scenarios. Is the person I’m talking to rolling their eyes, frowning, grimacing, or showing signs of irritation or annoyance? Are they bored and disinterested? Are they giving me lip service to placate me only to set me up for disaster? These thoughts lie in the subconscious and they can be crippling.

Even in my sixth decade of experiencing phone anxiety, one of the things that prevents me from making a call is the thought that I may be bothering the other party; maybe they’re busy and would rather not talk to me. This even happens if someone sends me an email that says, “Call me Thursday at 3.” Despite the fact that they are expecting me to call -- that they want me to call -- I am gripped by the fear that I’ll be bothering them. Irrational, but real. Here’s the thing that’s sad and makes no sense: once I am active in a phone conversation, I have little trouble engaging for lengthy periods. I’m fairly articulate and a good conversationalist, and I still much prefer chatting face to face, but goodness gracious, please don’t ask me to pick up the phone.

How Prevalent Is Telephone Anxiety?

I grew up thinking my phone call anxiety was a strange affliction unique to me. But it is far more common than you may think. There are several people in my life, including new family members, who suffer from this issue.

A 2019 survey of office workers in the UK discovered that 40 percent of baby boomers suffer from telephone anxiety. When it comes to millennials, a whopping 76 percent have anxiety symptoms when either making a call or answering one. This makes sense. The younger generation has had access to emails, texts, and other rapid, written forms of communication for most of their lives. It’s easy to work around phone calls and there isn’t as much incentive to seek treatment.

There are situations when a telephone call is the best option for important communications, but this specific form of social anxiety can hold back the individual in career or social success.

I once had a very promising career opportunity destroyed because of my phone anxiety. I answered an ad in a show business publication. A stand-up comic was looking for a writer. The pay was good and it could open many doors in the future. As a former comic myself (yes, it’s strange that I fear phone calls but not crowds of strangers), I had the necessary skills. It also helped that this comic’s persona and style were similar to mine.

I contacted him via email and sent links to my work. He was excited and told me to call him so we could discuss getting together. I could not make the call. He called me and I could not answer. It was frustrating but I just couldn’t get over the hurdle. I lost a great opportunity that may have been a big step in my career. If not for phone anxiety, it would have been me who dominated NBC’s Thursday night lineup in the 1990s. I’m just sure that I’d be the one who’s pals with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

What Is the Cure for Telephone Anxiety?

Like most phobias, there is no easy fix. However, telephone anxiety can be treated through the various forms of therapy that can help deal with common phobias. Many of these can be applied to fear of phone calls. I spent 10 years in therapy for my social anxiety and other mental health issues, and we also touched on my telephone problems. I still find phone calls difficult and recently wasn’t able to call a source for another article I wrote. Because of the therapy, I deal with it much better than before; I am able to make doctor appointments, restaurant reservations, and request information from a business. It’s progress, but it’s something I am still workingon. Maybe one day…

Exposure Therapy

A method of dealing with specific phobias that deal with fear of objects or situations, is exposure therapy. It can be an effective way to treat telephone anxiety as well.

Exposure therapy involves putting the patient into phone call situations, starting small with the least threatening and gradually working up to making a full-blown call. A hierarchy of fearful calls is set up and followed. Here is a sample:

• Call a number that you know will be answered by a machine and leave a message.
• Call a family member or close friend. (These calls can be just as scary as talking to strangers)
• Call a business and ask an easy question such as what time do they close.
• Call an acquaintance that you don’t know well and ask a simple question.
• Call an acquaintance to discuss a more complex subject.
• Make each of these kinds of calls in front of one person.
• Make each of these kinds of calls in front of a group of people.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT is a method of treatment that looks at faulty beliefs, debunks them, and replaces them with positive factual thoughts. My therapist and I discussed my fear of bothering someone by calling them. She pointed out that if the person was too busy to talk, they wouldn’t answer the phone and allow me to leave a message. If someone asked me to call at a specific time, they are not going to be annoyed when I do. It takes some time and effort to make a major breakthrough, but by sticking with it, it can be an effective form of therapy.

Strategies for Coping

Seeing a trained therapist is the best way to overcome any kind of phobia. However, there are strategies you can implement on your own that can be very helpful.

• Smile: Putting a smile on your face before making or answering a call can help you relax, feel confident, and convey that feeling to the person on the other end.
• Make notes: Writing out a script to list important talking points and how you would like to say them can ease anxiety. The other person isn’t following your script but it will help you get started, stay on topic, and respond to anticipated questions. Preparation is always helpful. This is akin to a reporter framing a complicated question correctly in her notes so that it doesn’t have to be done on the fly.
• See yourself succeeding: Visualization is a powerful tool. Spend a few minutes before making a call, seeing yourself on the phone. Imagine the conversation flowing easily and you feeling confident. Remember the movie Caddyshack? “Be the ball. Be the phone call.”
• Become someone else: This may sound silly but it worked well for me. Imagine you are someone else, maybe an actor, athlete, or fictional character that you admire and relate to. Handle the call the way that person would. For me, it was Spider-Man. I would mentally put on the mask. Try it, it may work for you.

What Are Some of the Most Common Fears of People?

Fears are certainly not rare, and a simple Google search reveals that people can be afraid of pretty much anything. Fear of flying, fear of heights, and fear of spiders are three of the most common phobias. You probably know several people who have one or more of these fears and may have one of them yourself.

Claustrophobia, or fear of enclosed spaces, is suffered by as many as agoraphobia, the fear of open spaces and crowds. Much like spiders, many people fear snakes, and germophobia is more common than ever thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic. Everyone knows someone who fears clowns and they are often the antagonists in horror movies.

The most common fear is public speaking. Right behind it: the fear of death, the joke being that some people would rather die than talk in front of a crowd.

Social anxiety disorder, the umbrella under which telephone anxiety sits, is very common and can have a major negative impact on one’s life. It’s not one to ignore and sufferers should seek help. Untreated, it can make living a quality life extremely difficult.

We’re only human. All of us have our strengths and weaknesses and our fears. Telephone anxiety is more prevalent than many people realize. Despite the availability of alternative forms of communication, sometimes a phone call is the best way to go.

If you have telephone anxiety, you are not alone and all is not lost. Find a good therapist and work through it. If you have any questions, give me a call.

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